Month: November 2011

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What’s in a Name?

Everything, or so it seems! 
If your ambition is to be read by the millions of potential readers out there, your surname, or rather its first letter really matters.
Don’t believe me? Then just take a look at the rows of books lining the shelves of your nearest book shop, the next time you go in search of something to read.
Without exception the book shop owners, be they independent, or a member of a chain, all line their book shelves from left to right. If your surname begins with A, B, C or D, your books will be the closest to the door, and so by definition will be perused first, when the customers enter.
It’s no coincidence that if your name is Auel, Brown, Clarke or Dickens, you stand a far better chance of a sale than anyone named Walter, Pumpernickel, or Zen.
Given this highly sensible way of displaying books on the part of the shops – A-Z, left to right, if you want to be read, don’t use your own name if it does not start with one of the first four letters of the alphabet.
Of course these days with the growing number of highly successful internet book stores like Amazon dominating book sales, you can’t walk through a physical door and turn to your left to begin at A. But I would still encourage you to use a penname within those first four letters of the alphabet – A, B, C, and D. My own sadly starts with the fifth letter of the alphabet.
To quote one of my favourite television comic characters – Maxwell Smart, “Missed by that much!”
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The Elder Scrolls V – Skyrim

Remember way back when, before PS3’s, Xbox’s and PC’s took over the gaming world? Back then there was a game called Dungeons and Dragons which obsessed a generation? Well, its back with a vengeance in the form of The Elder Scrolls V – Skyrim.

I started playing yesterday, and before I knew it the world outside had transformed into night. It is so darned absorbing!

Talk to various characters you come across as you wander through the land of Skyrim and you find yourself heading off for another adventure. Unlike so many games these days, there are non of those highly annoying corridors you are forced down. You are totally free to wander the map in its entirety. If you can get away with it, steal the items you want. Learn crafts like blacksmithing to make your weapons, or learn magic from a wizard.

Wander across the countryside at your peril, especially at night. Trust me when I tell you, find an Inn, buy a bed for the night.

Above all, watch out for those darned dragons!

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Goblin Tales For Adults – No:29 begins

Artemus Wainpin – goblin shaman, friend of Morweth the white wizard
The days of Goblindom’s isolation are drawing to a close. Beyond the magically created barrier, humans are massing. Inside goblindom, a mountain goblin is threatening to reveal its location by his greed and stupidity.
What will happen?

More later…

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Goblin Tales For Adults. The penultimate tale begins

 
Having finally put the twenty-eighth tale “Snailwort’s Bunion” to bed, I am now beginning to formulate the penultimate tale in Glob’s anthology. 
As usual, exactly at 2.30am this morning, Glob visited me and began relating just how the two characters above caused consternation throughout Goblindom, and the world beyond. Instead of telling me what he wanted the title of this tale to be, he left me to draw my own conclusions. 
It is a tale of deep unrest and foreboding.

More later…

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Goblin Tales For Adults – latest update

Oliphant Wiseblat
 
I finished my first major edit of the preceding twenty-seven tales the day before yesterday. Now I’m back into tale No:28 – “Snailwort’s Bunion” with a vengeance. Oliphant (see above) is only one problem the lads have. Snailwort Dewthorn, whose bunion this particular tale concerns, has made an enemy of Bejuss, the one eyed lisping raven.
 
More later… 
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Goblin Tales For Adults – the introduction

Globular Van der Graff’s
“Goblin Tales for Adults”
Translated from goblin to human
An Introduction

For far too long in my humble opinion, your average southern wood goblin, or any goblin come to that, has been much maligned. Far from being the loathsome evil creatures portrayed in fairy tales by human authors like the Grimm brothers to frighten children in centuries past, they are, with one or two exceptions, entirely friendly. I have got to know the author of these tales – Globular Van der Graff, or Glob as he likes to be called, really well. I am of the firm belief that on the whole they are entirely misunderstood creatures.

In a time long past before humans began inhabiting the world; there was a magical world hidden away from prying eyes in the northern hemisphere. It was called Goblindom. It remained hidden behind a magical barrier when humanity first appeared. In those early times Goblindom fought the humans and won. As the ranks of humans inevitably increased in number, and began to destroy every living thing they deemed inferior, Goblindom’s inhabitants retreated behind their magical barrier to prevent any further contact.

Initially the humins, our predecessors, treated all goblins abominably when the two races first met, two thousand summers before this anthology begins. But after that unfortunate meeting, both races lived side by side in peace ever afterwards, keeping a weather eye on the warlike humans living beyond the barrier.

The five wood goblins I met one day several months ago in a glade not far from here, when I was having a snooze in the afternoon sunshine, have existed till now, hidden away from humanity since those days thousands of years ago.They are Globular Van der Graff (Glob), Makepeace Terranova (Make), Byzantine Du Lac (Byz), Eponymous Tringthicky (Mous) and finally, curmudgeonly old Neopol Stranglethigh (Neo). They continue to inhabit the most remote forests living side by side with all other woodland inhabitants, hiding away from my kind humanity.These friendly little beings seem to have taken over my life in one way or another.

At their insistence I began to write down what Glob dictated to me. He would often wake me in the dead of night by standing on my chest, raring to tell me of yet another adventure or some mishap or other that had befallen him or one of his brothers. Why he chose me for the task of translating and recording his tales, I have still to learn. Needless to say I am honoured to do so. It is not every day that a lowly human is given such a chance.

I have created for you an eyewitness history on paper of their world which they shared with our forebears the humins, along with witches of both black and white persuasions, griffins, wyverns, mountain gremlins, ogre’s, elves, trolls, dragons, the odd wizard or two and an assorted collection of animals and birds.

Among the many you will meet as you read Glob’s tales, is a singularly engaging character, a one eyed lisping raven named Bejuss.At Glob’s insistence I have also left the conversations between the characters in their own perculiar ancient vernacular rather than modern day English. When Goblindom existed, all the many kinds who lived within its borders spoke the same language.

This anthology is a snapshot of their lives, adventures and misadventures. I hope that when you have read them, you will look kindly on these tiny woodland individuals in the future, should they choose to visit you.Now please sit back and turn to page one of this, Glob’s anthology, to enter their magical world.

Look for this anthology, hopefully next year, published by IFWG Publishing