Apathy Rules…

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It’s a sad fact but reader apathy is on the rise.

When I posted this, deep down I knew there would be little interest due to the modern day curse – reader apathy.

Only one person wanted to read and review the third and final edition of my fantasy anthology – Goblin Tales. I gave twelve of you the choice to read it prior to publishing for nothing. All I wanted in exchange was a positive review from each of the twelve. While a few of you (13) clicked ‘like’, that was as far as any of you was prepared to go.

To say that I am disappointed is an understatement. But it’s what most authors expect these days, despite all of our hard work. By not taking up my offer, which would cost you nothing but a bit of your time, you killed a wonderful fantasy anthology, depriving the rest of the english speaking world of the chance to immerse themselves in it…

The ultimate irony is that had eleven more of the thirteen people who ‘liked’ the post taken up the offer to email me for their free .pdf copy to read and review, this post would never have been written. But it’s still not to late for you to change your minds. Just follow the instructions on the previous via the above link in red.

Remember – books need to be read, not ignored…

😉

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Another work in progress begins

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If you read my recent post you will know that I have an idea for another book. This time concerning a freelance assassin, or perhaps that should read avenging angel – identity and gender unknown.

So, while I work on completing the rewrite of my fantasy anthology Goblin Tales. And before I begin the rewrite of my science fiction space opera The Berserker Saga, I have already begun playing around with the opening two paragraphs. This is what I have so far:

“It was all so vivid. Not only could I see every detail. But I was aware of his deodorant and the lingering smell of his last meal, still heavy in the air. I had just witnessed the violent death of my first target, without actually being there.”

“Weeks earlier I had had the same recurring dream. Each night I came to dread falling asleep. It was always the same. A woman’s thoughts constantly invaded my mind. She wanted her husband dead. I had no way of enquiring why she wanted him gone. And yet I knew somehow or other, I must help her achieve her goal. If only to give her, and myself, peace of mind. The first thing I needed to do was determine who he was and where he lived…”

~~~

What you have just read is what we writers like to call, the hook. It is a device to gain your attention, hopefully meaning that you will want to read the entire book.

While it is only a rough draft of the book’s beginning, in other words, not written in stone. I would be interested if any of the murder mystery buffs among you are intrigued by it? Let me know by leaving a comment…

More later

🙂

Here’s something…

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…for you all to ponder.

What does a killer look like? Certainly not like the woman above. She’s too obvious, too Hollywood!!! For all you know the person involved may be a member of your family, or a neighbour. Maybe even a work colleague. Perhaps even someone you meet socially! Maybe it’s you?

For weeks now, usually in the early hours of the mornings, I’ve had an idea that simply won’t go away. I often wake with another piece of the puzzle thought through…

Imagine if you will that there is someone you know living somewhere on the planet who is not exactly in your good books. Would you want that person dead?

If your answer is in the affirmative, read on.

~~~

My idea is that the assassin is an enigma. There is no discernible pattern to the apparent deaths. Nor is there any evidence to show that a crime may have been committed. No DNA. No forensics whatsoever. Nothing! My anti-hero, or heroine has devised and developed several ways of getting rid of people without having to be near them.

Only once does someone actually witness a killing – the first. When questioned, they told the local police that they saw the victim’s twin apparently kill him, then vanish before the witness’s eyes less than a nanosecond after the victim died.

Even my favourite television cop the Sicilian Inspector Salvo Montalbano, who always thinks outside the box, would be hard pressed to work this one out! After all, how would you make any connection between what seem to be totally random suicides spread across the entire world?

At long last Salvo and his often comical male colleagues (they’re Italian for goodness sake, making them natural clowns) is back on the BBC in a brand new series, based on the novels of the Italian author Andrea Camillari…

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Now here’s the thing – how do they know who to kill? No money ever changes hands between client and executioner. No traceable requests are made, because the identity and gender of the assassin, not to mention their location, are unknown.

That’s for me to know and you to ponder about. For your sake, it’s better that way. Otherwise you might be one of the victims in the book I may write, if you get too inquisitive. Remember – curiosity killed the cat. Now all I have to do is write a short story from the point of view of the assassin about the first murder they commit to see if my idea is feasible as a novel.

And you thought all I was doing is a major re-write of a couple of my books…

More later

😉

Hands up…

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Akhen

…who read my science fiction space opera Onet’s Tale, the sequel to Turning Point, the science fiction story I wrote in 1995? Not many of you I suspect since after falling out with me, the publisher pulled it off the market!

A few days ago I was looking for some of my unused saved material for my fantasy anthology Goblin Tales, which I am currently re-working. In amongst everything stored in the sideboard I came across my original MS for the story in question under its original title – The Berserker Saga, saved on a CD. Before you ask, I wrote it while on a trip back to New Zealand in 2003. Needless to say I spent many months more than I intended back in Nzed while I wrote it. It all came to an abrupt halt when my then laptop objected to having coffee spilt all over it. Thank god for the CD!

After returning here to the UK it would be seven years before I was in the position to offer it for consideration to a publisher, let alone afford a replacement laptop. As it was, it was available on Amazon for barely six months back in 2010…

So, once I have finished re-working Goblin Tales, I’ll be tackling The Berserker Saga once again, minus all the nonsense the publisher insisted must be added, such as his curriculum vitae of the characters, just because he couldn’t remember who is who, plus his adding his and his then business partner’s names to the by line. The latter being the reason we fell out!!!

The more astute among you will have read it chapter by chapter already, since I published it here on my blog over many weeks last year. As its 102, 518 words in length on 196 A4 pages, which equates to a little over 324 pages for both the ebook and print versions, I fully expect it to occupy me for most of next year (2018).

More later

😉

 

Go figure…

Turning Point

In 2012, I published the very first book I ever wrote, back in 1995 – Turning Point. Out of it came my science fiction space opera Onet’s Tale. While TP was largely met with scorn and derision by the total connards of the US, not everyone hated it. Since the rules were changed by Amazon, no-one buys it any more. They merely wait until they can get their grubby paws on a free copy.

Once again last month I offered it for free. Guess what, it’s being read again. This time here in the UK! With 209 free copies taken this time round, and one copy actually bought, the number of pages read works out at 368. Divide that number by 168, the number of pages in the book, and you arrive at 2.19 books read. A pitiful amount I grant you. But at least two and a bit people are reading it…

Here are the UK reviews:

on 31 July 2017
I know it’s a good SiFi tail but it so so believable as you read it it gets better and better I Loved it
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on 14 September 2014

I have been brought up on the legend of Mu and Atlantis, the secrets of the Giza Pyramid, universes that exist and contain intelligent life, planetary travel etc. It was therefore easy to appreciate the breadth of vision of Turning Point, a fable and a science fiction novella by Jack Eason. The story is based on the legend that planet earth had been seeded by intelligent life from other planets and universes. So we have here an alien race of people known as the Drana, and a subordinate race they seeded known as the Khaz, to rule over our ancestors, and who still control our very existence by manipulating our governments (the cartel who call the shots on earth?).

We have here an explanation for ancient secrets like the electromagnetic grid which surround the earth, the reason for the pyramids, the seeding of the earth, the limited use of our minds capacity. We have here remnants of a peaceful people known as Nephile (Mu) who want to contain the Khaz and the secret designs of Drana to return to earth and form armies and slaves to conquer and colonize other planets. But they find that they are incapable of performing that task, without the supporting DNA of earthlings who have acclimatized themselves to the pollution and life on earth. This can only be accomplished by choosing earthlings who is more conducive to their needs (traces of Shambhala here).

Enter Tom, a man on a holiday in New Zealand, who does not know that he is being watched and manipulated, so that he finds the entrance to their homeland.

You will be enthralled by this story as I was, and appreciate the deeply researched book, the scientific mind of Jack and a possible explanation for the seeding of man on planet earth, and other scientific folklore.

I highly recommend Jack’s book, Turning Point. It will a turning point in your life, from the mumbo-jumbo that is today passed off as science fiction.

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on 15 February 2014
This story is an EPIC Epic Tale. How to describe and explain that statement?
It’s well written, in depth and detail, without losing the thread or the plot.
Full of great characters, Human and Alien / Good and Bad.
The story covers just about everything you could imagine, what Ancient Sanskrit texts dating back as far as 6,000BC were talking about with their flying machines, who built the Pyramids in Egypt & South America, how Humans first got their thinking faculties, and a LOT more.
Combine all this with the nature of suppressed peoples, their resulting uprisings, the actions of WWII type Resistance and you’ve got an EPIC Epic Tale!
To say I enjoyed reading it would be an understatement, I lived in it, became friends with the heroes, cheered and celebrated their victories, mourned their losses and itched to help them when they got into difficulties.
The next book, Onet’s Tale – here I come!
I’d recommend anyone who enjoyed Asimov, Clark, Bradbury, Wells, et al, type science fiction, to read this book.
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on 22 April 2012
Jack Eason spins words like a spider spins a web.
With beautiful complexity and gossamer detail, the story is spun at the turn of every page.
As i read Turning point, I found myself continually asking one thing…’What would I do’? What would I do if I were to find myself caught in this web? What would I do if the world hung by a thread and i was given it to hold? And then I remembered. It doesn’t matter what I would do. It only matters what happens on the next page. This is not a story about one man. This is a story about all races brought together in cataclysmic union and the resulting events that will change the world forever.
As I turned the last page, I felt like I had been around the world and back again. I felt like I had seen and experienced more in these humble pages than I could ever hope to achieve in my own life.
The author, Jack Eason, not only entertains but also teaches in his writing. A thrill and a lesson at every step.
By the end you may feel more than just your perceptions turned upside down.
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on 16 April 2012

If you’re a classic sci-fi fan, you’ll love Jack Eason’s Turning Point. This prequel to his epic novel, Onet’s Tale (see my review here:[…]) tells the story of how alien life influenced Earth’s history and sparked a battle of universal proportions.

Reminiscent of Doyle’s “The Lost World”, the main character, Tom, stumbles onto a hidden realm in the heart of New Zealand. Within the prehistoric surroundings, lies a very advanced alien race, the Nephile. These angelic-like beings have hidden from their mortal enemies, the Drana and their cohorts, the sleazy little Khaz, who seek to enslave anyone they can. They enlist Tom to help with their mission to overcome the impending Drana invasion. The resulting struggles occur worldwide, resulting in a catastrophic war.

Along the way, Tom falls in love with a beautiful Nephile named Auset. This development, being the romance-a-holic I am, was my favorite part of the whole story. Their love and struggles here spawn the events that lead to Onet’s Tale.

The only things I would have liked more of were some deeper characterization and dialogue. Otherwise, it was easy to be swept away into this epic and deadly story. I recommend this, and Onet’s Tale, for any readers of classic sci-fi. Go grab a copy today!

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on 9 April 2012
Jack has produced a very interesting novel with “Turning Point.” It is far deeper than just another Science Fiction Story. Apart from the struggle between good and bad, and the development of the main characters stories and profiles, Jack explains a lot of the World’s great mysteries. One of these, is the visibility/invisibility of UFOs.
It also references the electromagnetic grid, as calculated by New Zealander Bruce Cathie. This grid covers the earth and its full power has not yet been realised by we modern citizens of Earth. However, in Jack’s story, its secrets are partially unravelled, including the mysterious ancient sites that coincide with the grid, such as the great pyramids and Stonehenge.
Towards the end, the story touches on the concept of the Gaia theory as presented by Dr James Lovelock. The Gaia theory proposes that all organisms and their inorganic surroundings on Earth are closely integrated to form a single and self-regulating system, maintaining the conditions for life on the planet. This put simply, means if we stuff things up, the Earth will take its revenge, wiping most of us out so other life forms may continue to survive.
The story was easy to follow, although at times I did get confused by the characters and their names, but perhaps that is just me, not the fault of the story.
In all a cleverly structured and well researched novel, and can be considered truly Science Fiction, rather than “Science Fantasy” which most stories of the genre are, since Jack points strongly towards the mysteries of the Earth becoming unravelled.
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on 26 March 2012

Take one adventure story, give it a sci fi twist and add world war three. Mix in some answers to historical myths and legends and you have Turning Point. Take a journey with our hero Tom as he crosses the world rallying support to overthrow the evil aliens, you won’t regret it.

I highly recommend this book for all lovers of a good adventure story and if you like sci fi, you’ll find it realistic and entertaining.

Carol Wills
Author of
A Titus Adventure
Five Minute Fiction

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on 3 March 2012

In a world full of authors, it’s a delight to know there are still those few who can tell epic tales. Turning Point by Jack Eason fits this bill completely. Set in New Zealand, the tale unfolds of how a likeable young man,Tom, stumbles upon a secret that will change not only his life, but of all humanity. Starting with his discovery of the Nephiles, which then leads him to the dangers posed by the Drana and Khaz, he joins in the fight for survival.

It’s a tale on a grand cosmic scale and so well told, the characters leap from the page at you. A highly recommended read for those who love science fiction and classic adventure tales.

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~~~
So if anything is to be learnt here, it is that books fall in and out of favour. The shame of it is that no-one wants to actually buy an ebook any more!

When Bejuss first appears in Goblin Tales

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Bejuss’ great grand-nephew Braak

As I’m rewriting my fantasy anthology Goblin Tales, I thought I’d let you read about when I introduced my favourite character of them all – a one eyed lisping raven with a twisted beak. I couldn’t get a picture of him as he’s extremely shy. So the one of Braak will have to suffice.

~~~

A Spell is Cast

     In which Globular Van der Graff, (Glob), Makepeace Terranova (Make), Byzantine Du Lac (Byz), Eponymous Tringthicky (Mous) and curmudgeonly old Neopol Stranglethigh (Neo), assisted by worthy allies, do battle to save their humin friend Mica and his entire village from the effects of powerful black magic.

~~~

     In the midst of a violent stormy night a mighty lightning bolt hit the ancient oak tree where Glob and his brothers lived, immediately followed by an ear-splitting clap of thunder, throwing them all into a state of sheer panic. They were forced to flee in the torrential rain and head for the relative safety of Miranda’s stable.

~~~

     “Oh here me dark spirits; I call on thee in this my time of revenge, to strike down mine enemies. Spirits deliver upon them all evil devices. I command thee to make their worthless lives a misery,” her voice shrilled, even though she could not be heard beyond the precincts of the cave she occupied, thanks to the continuous lightning strikes and claps of thunder, created by her powerful magic. The flashes of the lightning bolts illuminated her cruel face, twisted as it was into a grimace of pure hatred, disfigured by a festering sore on her forehead. She hobbled between her workbench and cauldron, despite the great pain of her grossly bent back and deformed legs, adding ingredients as she increased the power of her spell. No living thing had noticed she had taken up residence in the shallow cave in the thickly wooded slopes east of the village, accompanied by her familiar, two days earlier.

The effects of her spell immediately induced a host of crippling maladies in the humin village. Boils, festering sores, vomiting, diarrhoea and chronic physical pain violently struck its residents low. From inside Miranda’s stable, the now thoroughly soaked goblin brothers could hear the groans and cries coming from the village in the brief lull between lightning bolt and clap of thunder, not yet realising that evil that had struck down their humin friends.

~~~

     The next morning, the magically induced storm finally abated and Byz had trapped himself a new pet in the witch cage. Grouzle had choked to death a couple of days earlier, after trying to swallow Byz’ gold ring. “Look – gots me a new pretty birdy!” he said, proudly showing his latest pet to his brothers. His simpleton’s grin broke out, showing his sheer delight from where he sat tethered to one of Miranda’s back legs. Glob and his brothers stared at the new pet for long time with a mixture of deep suspicion, fear, and curiosity. A bedraggled one-eyed raven with a deformed beak peered suspiciously back at them through the bars of the witch cage.

“Wot’s yer name thens bird?” Neo cautiously enquired.

“Arrk – me miththtreth callth me Bejuthth,” the raven lisped, prevented from telling a lie by the strong magic of the cage.

“Whoth – sorrys, I does begs pardons bird, I’s means whose yer mistress thens?” Glob enquired, quickly correcting himself, not wishing to upset the old raven by copying its speech impediment. Careful to interpret the answers correctly, he determined its name was in fact Bejuss and its mistress’ name was Cazophen. Through careful questioning, the old bird revealed she had returned to the valley a few days ago, after spending ten long summers learning the black arts from the black wizard Crellen, who found her near death and nursed her back to health. Bejuss went on to explain how Mica’s parents and their fellow villagers, had accused her of being a witch all those years ago, after Yestin had noticed something suspicious on her shoulder. In fact she was not a witch of any kind, merely an innocent young girl with a peculiar birthmark. Young Cazophen was a natural healer. Perhaps professional jealousy was the reason for Yestin’s accusation, no one really knew. But all those summers ago, strange and frightening things occurred within the confines of the village. Many people were struck down with various maladies. According to Yestin, black magic was at work. He proclaimed Cazophen was its practitioner. At his command they branded her witch with a burning piece of wood, leaving a hideous scar on her forehead that never healed, yet more proof to all the nervous and highly superstitious villagers that their shaman’s belief about her was true after all. A few days after the ritual branding, the men of the humin village dragged her screaming and pleading for mercy from the cage she had been put in. They threw her off a cliff at the far end of the valley, believing they had killed her. This was the reason for her bent back and hobbling gate. But now she had returned schooled in the black arts, with revenge filling her angry tortured soul.

Bejuss was completely terrified by her and the vicious storm she had conjured to hide herself. Once her spell was cast he seized upon the opportunity to quickly take flight while she was distracted. Seeking shelter and safety, the old raven flew into Miranda’s stable during the violence of the night.

~~~

     Glob signalled to his brothers to follow him outside into the sunshine. “Brothers, we needs ter finds us some help n quicks sharp like,” the old goblin announced as a look of deep concern for their friend Mica and the villagers, mixed with fear of what the witch might do next, rapidly spread across his face. “Neo, takes Miranda n head east ter finds our friend Brilith n brings her back ere afore nightfall. Now orf wiv yer sharpish like,” Glob commanded. Neo quickly explained to his dear friend Miranda what was needed and soon the pair galloped east through the woods. “Right Mous, takes Make n go n check on yung Mica n sees how he is – orf with yer now, no times ter waste!” Glob began. “I’ll goes orf ter the south on the valley n summon Yathle. We needs her help agin. Dark deeds require powerful weapons ter counter em.” Glob took off at a steady loping pace carrying his magical staff with its emerald tip to summon the goblin friendly wyvern. By nightfall Neo and Miranda had returned with the white witch Brilith, who along with the rest, sat in a tight circle hidden from view beneath Yathle’s great spiked wings in a council of war.

~~~

     The black slit pupils of Yathle’s mesmerizing golden eyes expanded as the evening light faded. She looked at each and every one of the small band in turn. Her great armoured head, similar in shape to her distant cousins, the dragons, twisted and inclined slightly as she carefully studied her companions. Her snakelike tail with its vicious barbs swept slowly from side to side tearing up the grass, briar patches and nettles behind her. The metallic coloured scales on her chest barely flexed as she breathed. Her thick and powerful legs with their two toed feet, each armed with razor sharp claws, bent at the knee allowing her to sit on the ground. She had willingly come before when Glob had summoned her to do battle with the griffin. Now she was ready once again to serve her goblin friends in their hour of need in any way she could.

“Cazophen muzt av a weaknezz,” Mous offered.

From his perch within the witch cage, Bejuss lisped, “thhe duth; thhe love’th the thound on pipeth.”

“What iz pipez?” Mous wondered out loud, shaking his head as he desperately tried to understand the old bird’s lisping speech.

“Shuddup Mous! E means pipes – pipes yer plays musik wiv.” Neo grumbled, feeling decidedly nervous, encircled as he was by Yathle’s wings, feeling her hot breath on the back of his head.

“Zorryz I’z zure,” Mous muttered angrily under his breath.

“Still it cud comes in handy like,” Make added, puffing on his pipe, “knowing her weakness I’s means.”

“Brilith have yer any suggestions?” Glob asked of the plump, kind hearted white witch.

Before she could reply, Yathle stretched her wings and said, “I have a suggestion my dear, if Brilith will excuse my interruption. My nose will soon smell Cazophen out once I’m up there in the sky. But we need to draw her out from her hiding place first. Who among you can play the pipes?” she asked, as a tiny puff of smoke escaped from her nostrils.

“I’s can. I’s knows how,” Byz replied, much to everyone’s surprise. From beneath his jerkin, he produced a new set of reed pipes and began quietly playing a pretty tune. Since he had been forcibly confined, tethered to one or other of his brothers, Byz had found a talent he never knew he had.

“I can conjure a protection spell for the whole humin village in the meantime. At least that way they will not be attacked again,” Brilith added, moving a little distance away to prepare the spell. And so, slowly but surely a plan began to be formulated. Byz with his pipes would be tethered to an oak sapling in the open grassland north of the village, where on a prearranged signal he would begin to play. Meanwhile Brilith would stand at the centre of the village square, ready to counter any further spells that Cazophen may cast. Glob, Neo, Make and Mous would search out the cave guided by Bejuss, who solemnly promised not to fly away.

~~~

     As the first rays of the dawn slowly filled the sky, Cazophen was busy searching for her familiar. “Bejuss, where are you? I need ye eye to search the village and report back to me, blast ye! Bejuss, Bejuss, blast ye bird where are…” Cazophen’s cries fell silent when she heard the most beautiful sound she had ever heard in her entire tortured existence drifting up to her on the morning air from somewhere below. Byz’ haunting melody completely mesmerized her. A smile broke free from her hideously disfigured face. She turned her head left and right trying to determine where the music was coming from. Now completely under the music’s spell, she stepped out from the shadows of her cave and hobbled trancelike down the wooded slope.

Yathle flew south away from the valley before climbing high into the sky, then turned north and slowly circled overhead ready to strike. Brilith readied herself for a battle with Cazophen’s dark magic in the village square. Glob, with Bejuss guiding them from his perch on the old goblin’s shoulder, closely followed by Neo, Make and Mous, steadily climbed through the thickly wooded slopes of the valley towards Cazophen’s cave. The raiding party stopped briefly just outside its entrance. Bejuss flew ahead and carefully peered inside before returning, happy that the cave was empty. Between them, the raiding party destroyed everything within the cave’s confines before rapidly retreating back the way they had come.

Cazophen hobbled her way out from beneath the tree line and moved towards where Byz sat tethered, happily playing his pipes, oblivious to the danger that steadily approached him. Yathle’s keen eyesight focused on the black witch far below before she began a silent but swift power dive towards her quarry. Brilith stepped forward, wand in hand, ready to parry any attack from Cazophen. Glob, Bejuss, Neo, Make and Mous watched the battle slowly unfold before their eyes from the confines of Miranda’s stable, after returning from their mission to the cave.

The spell of Byz’ haunting melody was shattered irretrievably when the ground around Cazophen suddenly erupted in a wall of flame when Yathle delivered a fire bolt from her flared nostrils. At the same moment Brilith conjured a powerful wind and sent it towards the flames. The wind rapidly turned them into a twisting fiery vortex that lifted Cazophen bodily into the air. Meantime Yathle twisted at the last possible moment from her headlong flight towards the ground and seized Cazophen in her cruel claws before biting off her head.

With the death of Cazophen, the power of her spell of revenge was broken. Soon Mica and all of the humins recovered. Not one of the plucky band who had saved the day told the humins anything of the affair, or of Cazophen. Better that they simply thought they had been struck down with terrible ills. Free once more, Bejuss chose to stay with his friends till the end of his days, while Brilith returned to her home in the east unseen by the humins, and Yathle returned to her home beyond the world. Given their fear of magic, there are things in Goblindom that humins should never ever know about. What recently happened was definitely one of them…

More later,

😉

Morweth’s Speech

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In every fantasy story there is always good and evil. In my anthology Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales, one of the good guys is the ancient white wizard Morweth. To give you a flavour of him, here is a speech he delivers right at the beginning of part two of ‘Beware on Crellen’s Mine’.

~~~

Morweth ended a heated argument over what they would do with the black wizard Crellen when they finally caught up with him. He knew only too well that this was the time for wisdom, magic and cunning not simple blind angry revenge. “No, no, no, Crellen must not die! Goblindom exists because it is in total equilibrium, unlike the world beyond our magic border. Life and death, growth and decay, summer and winter, and in magic’s case, good and evil, all contribute to keeping us hidden from prying eyes. Should any of these elements necessary to our very existence cease to be, the magic barrier will simply dissolve, and our part of the world will be ended forever, overrun by the hated humans. If you will dear friends, Goblindom and everything in it will soon be forgotten. Our capability to live in peace together and converse with each other, be we witch or wizard, raven or eagle, humin or goblin, wyvern or griffin, ogre, troll, elf, mountain gremlin, even dragon, will also end. The human’s world beyond our barrier is in a state of chaos. The different kinds living in it cannot understand each other anymore. Consequently they live in fear and kill rather than live side by side like us. Any mutual trust between all living things that they may have had is gone for all time. It’s a case of balance, do you see.”

~~~

As Bejuss the one eyed lisping raven with the twisted beak would say, were he actually here and not merely flying around in my mind, “Well that’th yer lot – rarrk!”

😉

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