Totally Illogical Practices

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Illogical adj. lacking sense or clear, sound reasoning

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For anyone who isn’t a writer, and doesn’t deal with Amazon other than to purchase items from them, here is a classic example of the mindset of those individuals employed by Amazon that all writers have to endlessly do battle with.

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A few days ago, in order to get everything ready for the launch of Goblin Tales I first went to my page on Kindle Direct Publishing to unpublish its former incarnation – Globular Van der Graff’s “Goblin tales for Adults.” One edition down, one to go.

Next I went to CreatSpace to do the same for the paperback version. Unlike KDP, CreatSpace does not have the facility for the author of the book to do the deed. So I sent them an email from their ‘contact us’ facility, which as it turned out went straight to KDP, requesting that they ‘retire’ it from my list of paperback editions. A few hours later, I received an email stating they had done as I asked and that it was no longer available for sale. All fine and dandy you would think, right?

I then went to my Author’s Page on both main sites for sales of my books – Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk, to check. Sure enough the Kindle version no longer showed. But, the paperback version was still up. So I made further enquiries. According to Amazon, the paperback version could not be eliminated from my Author’s Page, just in case someone who owned a copy might want to sell it back to them.

The very fact that no more than ten paperback copies were bought, most of them by myself to give to friends, probably hadn’t registered with the mental retards Amazon employs. Had they bothered to check the sales they would have known this!

To prove my point about them being idiots, I recieved the following in a ‘no reply’ email from Amazon this morning:-

At this time we cannot accept the following suggestions. We cannot remove a book(s) from an authors page when the author in question is indeed the one who wrote the book.

If that’s the case, who the hell can remove it if not the author of the work?

While they don’t complain when an author unpublishes a Kindle version of a book, why is it that they say no to removing the paperback version. After all, Amazon’s ‘resale’ system also works for any and all Kindle eBooks!!!!

This is a classic example of how differing departments within Amazon, fail to follow the same rules, nor talk to one another. The way Amazon’s minions operate at the moment under all three banners, to say the very least, is incomprehensible, let alone illogical…

PS – So, if you are perusing my books on Amazon, please take note. The paperback version of Globular Van der Graff’s “Goblin Tales for Adults” is no longer available. For that matter, neither is my science fiction space opera Onet’s Tale, even though both of them still appear.

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Goodbye Goblin Tales for Adults

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Globular Van der Graff’s “Goblin Tales for Adults” is dead, or it soon will be…

I’ve just unpublished it at KDP, and asked both Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk to eliminate it from my list of books. With only two more tales to go, I’m almost ready to publish the replacement, Goblin Tales, just in time for Christmas.

Keep your eyes peeled for the new version from December the 1st, or soon after, because that’s when I’ll be uploading it to KDP. Then you can purchase your Kindle copy at your nearest Amazon outlet. As for its paper back version. Once its up and running as a Kindle book, I’ll then upload it to Createspace so that its paperback version can be made available as well.

Goblin Tales

PS – If you miss it, don’t worry. I’ll let you know here with its new Kindle link for Amazon.com. In which case all you will need to do is click on its cover.

PPS –Β  Here’s a gentle reminder for the mentally challenged among us. Unless you like being disappointed, don’t try clicking on either of the covers shown here on this post because neither of them are linked to Amazon.

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Keeping Track of Those Characters

The Time Before Map

Goblindom

In addition to the progress report yesterday, here is a little more on the subject of updating Glob’s Tales.

Have you ever wondered how any writer, let alone myself, manages to keep track of however many characters we may employ in each novel, or in this case, anthology? Purely for your interest, here is the almost full compliment of characters for Glob’s Tales, and my brief notes about them, in no special order. When you are dealing with so many, believe me, you need notes like these with the key points about each one.

Count them up.Β  πŸ˜‰

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Glob – oldest of the Goblins, leader. Has an ash staff tipped with a magic Emerald to summon Yathle the Wyvern. He loves to read ancient chronicles.
Byz – simple minded, apt to wander off if not tethered. Plays reed pipes, loves playing with spiders, snails, worms etc.
Mous (accident prone) always substitutes z for s. Prone to sulking often has bitter arguments with his best friend Make.
Neo – severely cross eyed, extremely bad tempered, love’s Miranda with all his heart. Makes an excellent mead and is responsible for manufacturing their willow bark boots, sewing them together using a bodkin and thread made from the best spider silk.
Make – Pipe smoker, portly; normally content with his lot. Loves honeysuckle flavoured tobacco. His most prized possession is his bestest briar pipe. Often despite regarding him as his best friend he accuses Mous of stealing his possessions.
Limberespan Van der Graff (Lim) – a distant cousin of Glob. On the run from a convict gang
Grizweavil Bragsbill (Brag) – mountain goblin archer and overseer of the gang Lim escaped from, intent on killing him.
Giath the Minotaur – set free from beneath goblindom by Byz forgetting his promise, never to play the tune again. A mythical beast from the underworld, who lives on the other side of the barrier. He is freed by Dill and rampages through the world. The humans living beyond goblindom’s magic barrier are dying in their droves.
Dillfeather Fairglorn (Dill) – a mountain goblin, who raids the nearest human settlements. Fierce and warlike.
Artemus Wainpin (Mus) – goblin Shaman, seeks help from the brothers and Yestin to combat Dill.
Monkwig Gribblehang (Monk) – chief of the mountain goblins
Miranda – Mica’s old mare, the love of Neo’s life is totally infatuated by the old cross eyed goblin. Her heart beats faster whenever she senses him close by.
Agnitha – Mica’s beautiful wife, daughter of the village shaman Yestin
Ylesse – daughter of Mica and Agnitha, dotes on her goblin uncle Neo
Mica – Humin and friend of Glob and co
Verig – Humin warrior
Cantor – Humin warrior
Jasper – Humin warrior
Manx – Humin warrior
Bejuss – One eyed lisping raven with a deformed beak always says me for I.
Yathle – wyvern, and her two sisters, Maeve and Iolanthe. Black slit pupils set within mesmerizing golden eyes, armoured head, similar in shape to her distant dragon cousins, snakelike tail with vicious barbs, metallic coloured scales, thick and powerful legs, two toed feet, armed with razor sharp claws – friend to all Goblins. Main weapon – fiery breath in the form of bolts of fire. Always comes to their aid when summoned with Glob’s Emerald topped magical staff. Lives beyond the edge of the world. Wyverns are the mortal enemy of griffins.
Ariadne – Yathle’s cousin
Brilith – Plump, kind hearted, white witch of the East
His Esteemed Magnificence Obadiah Fingletook, Grand High Goblin – lives in the ancestor oak with the mother of all goblins, arrogant, childish, loves admiring himself – lazy.
Hermione Fingletook, the mother of all goblindom and the real power in Goblindom
Yestin – village shaman and father of Agnitha, grandfather of Ylesse
Crellen – Black arts wizard, teacher of Cazophen
Morweth – White Wizard, friend of Brilith
Lox – friendly female wood elf
Boggis – near sighted one eyed mountain troll – wicked, partial to snacking on goblins after fattening them up. Lives in a cave in Stone Mountain.
Slyth – griffin, friend of Bejuss
Garr – griffin Slyth’s brother. Griffins are the bane of all goblins – terrible creatures who think nothing of ripping off the legs of the goblins they catch.
Kilycke – black dragon
Grimefleet Binglenook (Bingle), the last elder goblin survivor of the battle of Blaxhorn, the war between good and evil fought between the Black Wizard Crellan and the product of his evil experiment to produce a compliant halfling Goblin/Humin – Persephone Witchclaw. Bingle lives to the south of the valley. Neo loves him dearly. Deaf as a post, bad tempered and almost blind, Bingle uses a carved snail shell as an ear-trumpet. 200,000 years old. He still wears the traditional sombre brown clothing common during The Time Before.
Grimsdyke Mugwurzle (Mug) northern plains goblin – purveyor of seeds. Upright, honest as the day is long. Large wart on the end of his nose sprouting five black hairs, thick animated bushy eyebrows – weather-beaten countenance – doesn’t appreciate a joke, nor mead. Jet black eyes. Uses ‘thee’ and ‘thine’ for you and yours.
Smikewhistle Pontigle (Pont) – goblin tailor
Grassnit Thimblefoot – Hermione’s chief scout
Figblaster Cornshuffle (Fig) Bearded mountain goblin – bounty hunter – gruff, frightening acquaintance of Neo’s
Fleetwood Cranberry (Cran) quick change artist, sly, devious, extortionist, thief and robber
Peesmold Grifflemew (Mew) goblin sage and leader of the wise council- friend of Bingle
Gropewort Winglemite esquire (Wing) aged plains goblin- toothless, cataracts – forgetful – always says ‘at yer service and so forth’ whenever he introduces himself.
Spindlenook Winglemite (Nook) – Wing’s pipe smoking younger brother. Tarred platted pigtail, long silver grey beard, smokes Elderberry flavoured baccy. Nook spent his whole life in the goblin navy on the great river, rising to the rank of captain. One eye, one arm, one leg.
Piemite Sweedlenewt (Mite) – travelling storyteller – 1’4″ tall
Pigwort Minkclaw (Mink) – ex miner who ran away. Blind and dumb – dying from the toxic effects of Crellan’s mine
Grythle Snickweed (Snick) – mountain goblin mercenary – employed in the pressgang for Crellan’s mine
Broglik Cantfurgle (Brog) – plains goblin mercenary – another member of Mordern’s band of thugs
Mordern Bigsnook (Dern) – plains goblin and escaped felon. Leader of the pressgang – sly, devious. Presses you into service.
Snailwort Dewthorn (Dew) – goblin seer. He predicts the future via his massive throbbing bunion.
Oliphant Wiseblat (Oli) – rogue plains goblin. Murders and robs all across Goblindom
Morag – queen of the humans accepts the help of Goblindom
Olin – human chief, son of Morag. Sees Bejuss as either Huginn, or Muninn – Odin’s raven messengers.

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PS – How many did you count? This isn’t all of them. Just the main ones.

Only ten more tales to go.

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Of Goblins and Other Things

What's next on the agenda?

Obadiah Fingletook, the Grand High Goblin

This is the second progress report on the state of play with the new version of Glob’s Tales. I have just finished re-doing the eighteenth tale “I Want To Go Home”. That leaves just twelve more to go. Producing an up to date version of any book, means a lot of re-editing and some sentence reconstruction.

Since I brought Glob’s tales to everyone’s attention in my recent blog post on the thirteenth of this month, https://havewehadhelp.wordpress.com/2014/11/13/a-question-for-you-all/,Β  I can now announce that its sales have improved immensely. Thank you to all who have bought a copy, via Amazon US, Amazon UK and Amazon Canada.

As for my latest novella Cataclysm, apart from the number given away during the three day promotion, its sales are also climbing via Amazon US and Amazon UK.

Once again, thank you to one and all.

PS – At long last CreateSpace has stopped bickering over the technicalities of setting up Cataclysm to become a paperback. I am now waiting for the proof copy. If it meets my standards, it will soon be available for purchase alongside its eBook cousin.

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Update Progress Report

I’m happy to report that the Glob’s Tales update is progressing very nicely. So far I’ve worked my way through the first twelve of the thirty interelated short stories. That leaves eighteen more to go. Thirty short stories may not sound like much, but the word count is 84,374 making the anthology novel length. No pressure then. I’d better get back to it. LOL. πŸ˜‰

Since I found out the other day that Amazon will not be automatically updating all of the existing eBook copies out there, due to their never having considered introducing the service, once this new edition is ready, what I propose to do instead is to make it available either as a totally free .pdf file, or a free Kindle .mobi file via this blog. Whether or not I can add it to a post like this I don’t know. I’ll have to experiment. Maybe Chris The Story Reading Ape knows how to go about it? Here’s hoping he does. So Goblindom fans, if you want your free copy of the adventures of Glob, Bejuss, Neo, Byz, Make and Mous, watch this space over the next week or two.

There is another reason why I’m doing this. It’s to reaquaint myself with the gang and Goblindom itself. This may give you a clue as to why:

The Time Before Cover

It is the cover featuring the Goblin Queen – Persephone Witchclaw, that Chris made for the prequal to Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults (click on it to see it properly). So you see I’m not merely updating Glob’s tales, I’m also doing my homework in order to write The Time Before at sometime in the near future.

PS – I’ll upload the update to KDP later, much later…

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It’s Spring Cleaning Time in Goblindom

Now that my latest novella Cataclysm has finally left home, I have the time to do something I’ve wanted to do for the last two years.

What is it I hear you cry? Since I first published Glob’s tales back in 2012, I’ve never been happy with the end product, especially from a formatting point of view. So from now until its done, whenever that may be, I will be in full format mode along with sentence reconstruction mode where required.

I owe it not only to you the readers, but also to Glob, his brothers, Bejuss and all the good folk of Goblindom. Here’s hoping that when I resubmit the MS to Kindle Direct Publishing, that they (Amazon) will have come up with an automatic system to update all copies of not only Glob’s tales, but also all other revamped eBooks already out there on Kindles and all Kindle computer and smart phone apps. Thinking about it though, a chance would be a fine thing. When has Amazon ever used commonsense by offering anything like that in the past?

You never know, once I’ve fully reacquainted myself with Goblindom I may even feel inclined to write the prequel that The Story Reading Ape has been pleading with me to produce for many months…

The Time Before Map

The Revamped Goblindom Map

I’ll keep you up to date via future progress reports.

PS – just sent this to Amazon. Click on it to read πŸ™‚

Capture

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Glob’s Latest Five Star Review

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5.0 out of 5 stars Weaves a spell on the reader, September 14, 2014
By
Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
This anthology of thirty goblin tales, weaves a spell on the reader. We have all been brought up on tales of witches and warlocks, goblins and elves, fairies good and bad. This anthology is however different, showing goblins in a different light. You will be held spellbound as each story unfolds. Each of them is carefully woven, tackling a different value for us to examine- friendship, family, loyalty, perseverance. Though all thirty are worth reading my personal favourites are: The Question, I Just Want One Night’s Sleep, The Siren’s Song and A Dangerous Affair. All the characters are well developed be it Bejuss, Make, Mous, Neo, Byz, Glob, Hermione, the siren Heliotrope and I guarantee you will definitely relate to one of them. My favourite character is Byz.

These stories can be read by young adult and above. I highly recommend this book to all.

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Thanks Fiza, much appreciated.
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