Enter Gerald the Egg

Here for your further delectation is another of Glob’s tales, this time concerning Bejuss and his attempt at parenthood…

In which Globular Van der Graff, (Glob), Makepeace Terranova (Make), Byzantine Du Lac (Byz), Eponymous Tringthicky (Mous), curmudgeonly old Neopol Stranglethigh (Neo), and especially Bejuss, the one eyed lisping raven with the twisted beak, discover that the path of parenthood is a decidedly rocky one.


It had been a whole moon since the goblin brothers returned home after their abortive attempt to rescue Yathle’s cousin Ariadne, when her insatiable curiosity tragically ended her life.

Both Glob and Neo had taken simpleminded Byz to one side and told him that under no circumstances was he ever to play the beautifully haunting tune which unlocked the barrier between the world and the one beneath ever again, no matter how tempted he may be.

While they were all helping Yathle, Bejuss had flown off in search of a mate in the southern woods, desperately wanting a son of his very own. He would soon come to regret his decision in more ways than one.


“Rarrk – wake up yer lazy good for nothin slovenly apology for a raven, jus look at the state on yer!”

Bejuss opened his one bleary eye and peered across the nest to where his mate tapped one foot, glaring angrily at him. He was about to be subjected to yet another headache inducing outburst by the poisonous harpy who had made his life a total misery. For a brief moment he wondered where the beautiful young raven he had wooed three weeks earlier had gone. Surely this couldn’t be her could it?

“Oh the shame on it; me mother warned me bout the likes on yer. Why I took yer on as me mate I’s will never know; yer disgust me! I mus have been out on me mind. Yer are hardly the catch on the year are yer? Just look at the state on yer smelly feathers – euww! By the holy egg on the great raven, smarten yerself up at once; yer is a disgrace ter our kind. As for this shambles yer call our nest. It has so many holes in it, it’s a wonder I’s haven’t fallen through one by now. Repair it at once d’yer hear me, yer flee ridden bag on bones. Why I’s has put up wiv yer I’s really don’t know. Yer’ve brought me nothin but shame n torment. I’s cannot hold me head up in polite raven society thanks ter yer!”

“Pity yer didn’t fall through one on them yer old nag,” Bejuss muttered under his breath as his headache grew in intensity, before he replied to her latest tirade. “Yeth dearetht, me’ll make repairth immediately dearetht. Anything elthe dearetht?” he added sarcastically, wishing he were dead.

“Mind yer sit on yer future halfwit’s egg, I’s most certainly have no intenshun on doing so. When it is hatched I’s shall deny all knowledge on it, do yer hear me! If yer must insist on bringing it inter the world, then yer will hatch it on yer own. On secon thoughts, I’s is leavin yer n goin home ter mother ter get over the shame – rarrk!”

After she had flown away in high dudgeon to her mother, Bejuss breathed a sigh of relief as he reflected on how his circumstances had taken such a nightmarish turn for the worse.


The day he had set off from the home he shared with the five goblin brothers, he was in the highest of spirits. Spring was in the air and the mating urge coursed through his old veins.

As he flew from one raven colony to the next in search of a mate, the raucous laughter and derision heaped upon him by the available females when they set eyes on him hurt him deeply. Far from seeing a battle scarred heroic raven, all they saw was a tattered, deformed apology for one. When he tried to woo them with one of his love poems, they all laughed at his lisping speech and his twisted beak, cruelly mocking him behind his back.

And then at the very last colony on the western edge of the wood, one stunning young raven touched his heart with her gentleness and beauty. Her name was Eunice. Unlike the rest she liked his poetry and his company, forgiving his speech impediment, his tattered feathers, deformed beak and one eye. She even laughed at his jokes. As an impressionable young female caught up in the fever of the mating season, for her it was true love. Bejuss would be her first mate. In her mind she saw him as a worldly-wise raven; a raven’s raven if you like. Certainly an adventurous, battle scarred and brave raven.

Over the next two weeks, Bejuss told her of his life and adventures with Glob and his brothers while they gathered twigs together for their nest. She often feigned a fainting fit, falling against him and sighing while fluttering her eyelashes at this tough, yet kind example of the noble order of ravens.

Then came the day their idyllic relationship quickly soured when she found herself with egg. From that moment on, nothing old Bejuss did or said was good enough anymore for young Eunice.

As her time drew near she grew more demanding, insufferable and vindictive towards him. The day finally came when after an hour of absolute agony she finally laid their egg. Bejuss was over the moon with joy. Eunice definitely was not. As far as she was concerned in her post egg laying state of mind, she had been violated. Worse, to her mind she had been taken advantage of by a despicable old flea bitten scoundrel.

During the agonising hour the egg took to appear, she shifted herself painfully around in the nest desperately trying get comfortable as she strained and bitterly complained. Twice she almost fell through the gaping holes in the nest Bejuss had built for her. It wasn’t his fault that the nest was imperfect. After all, as he said later to his friend Glob, “yer try buildin a perfect netht wiv one eye n a twithted beak!”


Bejuss felt the faintest movement in the egg beneath him. He shifted his weight and fluffed his feathers to keep it warm. “It’th time we woth headin home Gerald lad,” he said to his egg. Carefully he stood up, stretched himself and then gently picked up the precious egg in his beak and flew back home to Glob.

Two days after the pair had arrived home the excitement of the imminent hatching gripped all who lived in the goblin brother’s household. None of them had ever been surrogate uncles for a birdy hatchling before.

Glob had made a cosy nest box lined with dry sphagnum moss and hung it on the wall above his bed, with a perch on the outside for Bejuss to take a break from egg sitting. By the time the chick finally emerged, like Bejuss, they would all live to regret the fact that he hadn’t simply dropped it on the way home.


After breakfast on that second day, Neo peered in through the hole in the nest box at Bejuss before he went on his daily visit to Miranda the mare and her new foal. “I’s wos jus wonderin why yer calls yer egg Gerald. Wot if it aint got a boy birdy in it, wot if it’s got a girl one instead?”

Bejuss looked back out at the goblin brothers from inside the snug nest box as they gathered around Neo, all wondering the same thing. “Rarrk – courth it’ll be a boy birdy, wot elthe wud it be? Me hungry, can me have a pickled worm pleath? Me got cravinth yer know, after all me pregnant n …”

Gerald the egg began violently shaking beneath the old raven, cutting its loving parent off in midsentence.

Bejuss endured several more hours of being bounced around inside the nest box, banging his head several times on the box’s oak bark roof, giving him a pounding headache into the bargain. In the end he could stand no more. He emerged bruised and battered to take a much needed rest on Glob’s shoulder by the window, where the old goblin fed him all manner of juicy worms, slugs and snails, especially pickled for him in mead, while Byz kept a close eye on Gerald. Eventually the simpleminded goblin younger got bored and nodded off.


Inside the nest box the faintest sounds of eggshell cracking began. Gerald bounced and rolled around and around. First one leg appeared through a hole in its shell, followed shortly by a second. Gerald stood up, dazed and disoriented. If Byz had been awake, he would have seen it charge across the inside of the nest box and head-butt the box’s wooden sides in its attempt to free itself from the rest of the eggshell.

Make sat outside their door warming himself in the sun, smoking his bestest briar pipe with Mous happily dozing beside him. Neo was inside the stable feeding the new born foal, grooming its mane through his long bony fingers, lovingly watched over by Miranda. Glob and Bejuss were gazing at the wooded world outside their home through heavy, sleep deprived eyes. Eventually the sun’s warmth sent them both to sleep.

Gerald felt around with its feet and found the opening to the nest box, hopped up and fell out onto the floor, after bouncing off Byz’ head.


“Rarrk – hath anyone theen Gerald, where’th me egg gone?” Bejuss screeched at the top of his voice, after he had flown back to the nest box to resume sitting. “Me egg hath run away from home! Gerald, Gerald, where are yer lad, it’th me yer daddy, pleathe come home.”

Bejuss’ anxious cries woke everyone up from their nap in the sunshine. Glob instantly organised a complete search of their home, after scolding Byz for failing in his duty. The simpleminded soul immediately burst into tears and hid under his bed furiously sucking his thumbs.

“Gerald where ith yer lad, come home, pleathe come home. Daddy won’t be angry, me promithe – rarrk,” the old bird sadly cried out as a tear welled up in his one eye.


Gerald had struggled to stay upright as it staggered around on the ground below the goblin brother’s home. Even when it had fallen off the oak’s great bough outside the door, the remainder of its tough shell still held firm. Several times Gerald had deliberately walked straight into a rock, trying to smash itself. It even rolled down a small slope hoping to break open at long last. Then it felt itself being picked up and turned over with its legs in the air, making it dizzy.

“Look mummy I’ve found a birdy egg,” Ylesse happily announced, as she ran inside to show her latest find to her mother, Agnitha. Between them they carefully cracked the rest of the eggshell and at last the chick inside was free.

“Rarrk!” the chick said indignantly, stamping one tiny foot and glaring angrily at them.

At that moment Glob appeared at Agnitha and Mica’s door out of breath, and politely knocked. “Mornins Agnitha, mornins Ylesse. Has either on yer seen an egg? Bejuss has lost his n he’s worried sick.”

They both stood to one side revealing the minute angry raven chick standing amid the broken eggshell fragments on Agnitha’s table. “Here she is Glob. You had better take her home to her father,” Agnitha smiled, gently handing the chick over, “she desperately needs feeding.”

Glob chuckled to himself as he carefully carried the irate raven chick home. “I’s can’t waits ter sees the look on yer old dad’s face when he finds out he’s gots hisself a girl birdy n not a boy. Gerald indeed; more likes Geraldine I’s thinks eh lass?” Geraldine failed to see the joke and pecked one of Glob’s thumbs.

When he walked through the door with Geraldine now angrily sitting on his shoulder furiously pecking his earlobe and glaring at everything in sight, Bejuss’ face briefly lit up. But his happiness and relief was short lived. “Ylesse found her n gots her out on her egg,” Glob announced, barely able to suppress his laughter despite the pain from his bleeding ear.

“Yer mean me got a girl birdy chick?” Bejuss spluttered as his face fell. “Oh no, it can’t be,” he said looking in disbelief at his daughter. Geraldine was the spitting image of her mother, despite the fact that her feathers had not yet appeared. There was that same baleful look in her eyes; the same indignant cock of the head. Even when she impatiently tapped her tiny foot, Bejuss saw a miniature Eunice glaring back at him.

“Fraid so old friend, meets yer daughter Geraldine,” Glob replied, with tears of laughter in his eyes, as he carefully set her down beside her shocked father on the back of his chair.

Geraldine instantly pecked her father hard on his feet, legs and wings. When he lowered his old head to peer closely at her, she furiously pecked it, raising painful lumps and rattling his brain, demanding to be fed.

Over the next several days, he worked tirelessly bringing his angry young daughter food. At one point, he seriously contemplated committing chickicide. All he had to do was decapitate this miniature angry incarnation of Eunice with his razor sharp twisted beak, and his nightmare would end.

But his inbuilt instincts insisted he did his fatherly duty. By the time she was fully fledged, she had grown into a full size carbon copy of her mother in every way possible. While she would undeniably turn a young male raven’s head with her good looks in the future, like her mother, once she had accepted him she would make his life hell on wings.


At long last the day finally arrived when Geraldine flew the nest, much to the relief of Bejuss and the five severely pecked goblin brothers. Being constantly harangued by Eunice was bad enough, but for Bejuss to endure it for a second time from a pint sized version of her, was truly unbearable. “Good riddance yer hellion. Me hope all yer featherth fall out, it’ll therve yer right!” he muttered to himself while watching Geraldine climb into the air without a backward glance, on her first solo journey into the world.

Everyone inside the oak tree heaved a collective sigh of relief. Glob gave Neo a knowing wink. “Cheers up Bejuss lad, it cuds have beens worse,” he said nudging Neo to join in on his little joke.

“Worthe, how cud it be worthe?” the old bird grumpily replied while preening his tattered feathers.

“Simple lad,” Neo replied, with a mischievous look in his crossed eyes, “yer egg Gerald, might have been a double yoker. Jus think on it for a moment. Instead on one Geraldine, yer cud have hads two on them ter plague yer for the rest on yer days. Three, if yer include yer mate Eunice.”

Bejuss hung his head wincing at the nightmarish notion. Neo winked at Glob as he quickly left to see Miranda and her foal.

Glob sat looking out the window for a long time with a grin on his old face. Make and Mous took Byz outside onto the bough to stop his constant giggling. Even he got the joke. For a few moments they left poor old Bejuss alone in the rafters with his thoughts. He had had a lucky escape after his brief encounter with domestic bliss. “Never agin, never ever agin,” he muttered to himself, shaking his old head and feeling decidedly sick in the pit of his stomach.

Glob turned and looked up at his feathered friend. He couldn’t resist one last good natured dig at the old bird’s expense. “Of course she cuds jus comes back yer knows Bejuss lad. She’s probably gone ter fetch her mother. Wants me ter make yer nest box big enuff fer three? It’s no truble honest, I’s only thinkin on yer family n their happiness yer knows.”

Bejuss cursed and glared angrily at the silly grin spreading across Glob’s face. “Rarrk, juth thhuddup n leave me be can’t yer!” he lisped angrily.

Glob joined his brothers outside in the sunshine where they all roared with uncontrollable laughter. The day Gerald the egg had entered their lives would be the subject of much hilarity for many evenings to come.


Want to read more? Simply click on the cover picture at the top of this post to take you to Glob’s Tales at Amazon.com

Critically acclaimed, and yet…

Glob the Paperback

Click on the above image to go to Amazon.com

News Flash – From today (8th) until Sunday (12th) you can download a free Kindle copy

How can a book be highly praised, yet simply not appeal? I’m talking about my fantasy anthology about a family of five goblins – Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults. With the one exception (the last review), all gave it five stars. The Kindle version is just US$1.16, hardly a lot of money…

Here are those reviews in their entirety:

5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book – Very Entertaining August 29, 2012

By Thomas J Marshall

I am only about halfway through this book, but felt the need to share my thoughts about the marvelous world Jack Eason has created. Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults is a collection of short stories about a band of goblins who live in a place called Goblindom. Now before you go on to the next book in your queue, you have to know, these are not the goblins we grew up fearing as kids. Those stories were meant to frighten young children into behaving and washing behind their ears. No, these goblins are a fun-loving, friendly, adventurous sort who want nothing more than to sit around a campfire, eat honeycomb and drink their goblin brewed mead. Mr Eason has skillfully developed five goblins, each with their own unique personalities and quirks. (My personal favorite is Neo, a cross eyed old goblin). From the first story, you can easily relate with any or all of the characters and will find yourself cheering them on through their adventures. I recommend this book for anyone who enjoys lighthearted tales of friendship and family. Read this book. It will change your mind about goblins forever.

5.0 out of 5 stars Goblins: The Untold Story! August 20, 2012

By Misty

If you’re like me, you’ve probably held to the notion that goblins are ugly, green humanoids with the mentality of a swarm of gnats. From page one of this fabulous collection, you’ll realize there are more to goblins than their usual portrayal in literature.
Jack Eason has created a compelling, complex, and utterly charming world called Goblindom, where a band of five goblin brothers, led by Globular (Glob) share in one exciting journey after another. Humans (humins, as the goblins call them) are present, but unlike most stories in fantasy, they are not the focus, but exist as friends and wonderful minor characters.
What I particularly love about this collection is that the characters are so well done, they come to life on the page. Each goblin has his own unique quirks. You’ll soon connect with each of them as though they were old friends, whether it’s Make with his pipe or cross-eyed, grumpy Neo. My favorite character of all, however, isn’t a goblin at all, but a one-eyed, lisping raven named Bejuss. He completely steals the show on more than one occasion!
Each story is short enough to read in a sitting and different enough to keep you waiting for the next. Whether the brothers are seeking out the goblin queen or protecting the humins from ugly witches and dragons, their stories are lessons in friendship, family, loyalty, and perseverance.
Don’t let the “For Adults” in the title fool you. These stories are not erotic or overly graphic, so I recommend it for young adults and beyond! Grab your copy today!

5.0 out of 5 stars Goblins as you’ve never seen them before May 30, 2012

By Elizabeth Lang

If you’ve never loved a goblin, then you’ve never read this book. Goblin Tales for Adults brings the world of goblins to life and makes it fun! Short, amusing stories. The ‘human’ side of goblin-dom, and yet still with the harsh realities of being a goblin. Not exactly the kind you want to have dinner with, unless you don’t mind the table manners–or lack of them. My favorite character is the lispy, heroic raven, Bejuss. Well done, Jack.

4.0 out of 5 stars If You Liked “The Hobbit”…, October 10, 2012

By Ernie Laurence, Jr. (Austin, TX United States) – See all my reviews

This review is from: Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults (Kindle Edition)

As I read through this anthology of tales I imagined what Tolkien’s grandchildren felt like when he told them the story of Bilbo in “There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Tale”. Jack Eason’s storytelling in Globular Tales harkened back to that era and style and I was very entertained. The characters are memorable and unique. Eason incorporates humor, even a kind of bungling slapstick at times, but also gives the reader heartache, victory, and a whole gamut of feelings throughout that series of tales.
I would recommend this story even to junior high level readers as far as content goes, but believe even mature readers will find this a truly delightful set of stories.
Well done.
Ernie Laurence, Jr.

5.0 out of 5 stars Globular Van der Graff’s “Goblin Tales for Adults”, August 24, 2012

By Pat Regan (Southport, Lancs, UK)

This review is from: Globular Van der Graff’s “Goblin Tales for Adults” (Paperback)

Jack’s work deserves serious recognition and is on a par with many other more widely known writers of this style. We all need a bit of escapism at times and Jack’s appealing contribution provides just the thing to raise us above mundane levels. Good stuff Jack- just keep on doing your thing.

You will change your mind about goblins!, June 3, 2012

By Mary Crocco “book reviewer / writer” (Las Vegas, NV USA) – See all my reviews

This review is from: Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults (Kindle Edition)

Obadiah introduces Glob to the mother of all goblins, Hermione Fingletook. She explains why goblins never know where they came from. She says each new goblin is born from a specially selected acorn which she picks. Once born, she determines their purpose then fills their minds with knowledge they need to survive before sending them out into Goblindom.
I never thought I would enjoy a story book about goblins! Jack Eason brought a family of goblins alive with such writing skill I felt a warm place in my heart for each goblin. They are described so vividly it’s hard not to love each character in every tale Eason tells.
The fantasy tales told are one exciting adventure after another of five goblin brothers. There are humans involved, called ‘humins’ to the goblins, but these are friendly humans!
The tales are truly enjoyable to read and have fun with. I think it would be a wonderful book for all ages.

For the love of Bejuss! May 31, 2012

By Mr. Jamie Boswell (Norfolk, England.) – See all my reviews

This review is from: Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults (Kindle Edition)

Goblin Tales for Adults in another wonderful book from Jack Eason. Packed to the pages with memorable characters and the wit and charm we have come to expect from the Author. An absolute laugh out loud page turner with plenty of hidden depth that will have you reading it again and again. All in all a Glob well done!

5.0 out of 5 stars Are you ready for a goblin journey?, May 31, 2012

By Joe MynhardtSee all my reviews

This review is from: Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults (Kindle Edition)

Jack Eason’s Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults is an adventure like no other. From the start you will be pulled in by the vivid characters Jack had created for Goblindom, not to mention the journeys they partake in. It won’t be long before you find the character you love the most.
Each story deals with another adventure, mostly misadventures, of the goblin brothers. Yet Jack still managed to connect all the stories with an overall plot and brilliant character growth.
Although the book says `for adults’, I would have no problem introducing this book to my kids, when I eventually have kids.
I give it 5 stars.

5.0 out of 5 stars I saw no reason for the ‘adults’. Wonderful tales., May 30, 2012

By Skip454See all my reviews

This review is from: Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults (Kindle Edition)

Ah, what a wonderfully different world Mr Eason has created in these Goblin tales. Far and away the most intriguing character to me is the bird, Bejuss.
Giving this a teen rating is far more appropriate.
Mr. Eason’s stories remind me of the original Grimm’s Fairy Tales, not the sanitized ones of today but the ones where the ants tell the grasshopper to get lost. The humor is laced throughout each story as the brothers travel through each adventure developing and evolving, yet you already know them in your heart and mind and all their quirks.
A must read if for no other reason than it is delightfully different!

5.0 out of 5 stars For the Inner Child., May 29, 2012

By CoromandelmanSee all my reviews

This review is from: Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults (Kindle Edition)

The title was intriguing enough, I thought, so I began to read.I was well and truly drawn in to a make believe world, complete with maps and excellent descriptions of amazing characters with very distinct personalities.It looks as though Mr Eason has had a lot of fun creating these wonderful characters and woven a fantastic world around them.I recommend this book for all ages. It is bright, easy to read and a lot of fun.

5.0 out of 5 stars An Exceptional Book, May 23, 2012

By Derek “Derek Haines” (Switzerland) – See all my reviews

This review is from: Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults (Kindle Edition)

From the very first story I was hooked, and for some reason, the style Jack Eason uses in this book had me thinking immediately of Geoffrey Chaucer meeting Mother Goose. It’s a beautifully crafted story book that will delight any reader. In particular, I just loved ‘I Juth Want One Night’th Thleep’, the story of Bejuss, the one-eyed lisping raven with the twisted beak. Having read Jack’s other books, Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales is such a complete change of genre and one that I hope he continues to write in. All up, a fantastic read.


And finally, its one and only Troll review:

2.0 out of 5 stars To childish, October 8, 2012

By BelizeSee all my reviews

This review is from: Globular Van der Graff’s Goblin Tales for Adults (Kindle Edition)

The story dosent really pull the reader in. The writing is ment for a very young reader. The story line is rather boring.

Note the obvious spelling errors by Belize. No wonder he/she didn’t like it. Far too many correctly spelt words to contend with…

Dust and me


I just stopped briefly from reading a book on my laptop for a comfort break, a cigarette and something to drink. While I was waiting for the kettle to boil, I became aware of the inordinate amount of dust on the floor around my chair, illuminated by the rays of the weak morning sun.

We all live with dust. It’s inescapable. But what purpose does it actually serve? Who is responsible for its existence? Millions across the world wage war against it on a daily basis. Why? What’s the point? The minute your back is turned there it is once again! I surrendered to the ever present dust invasion decades ago, deciding that fighting it was a futile occupation, not to mention a monumental waste of my time. Instead I simply resorted to putting up with it as an inevitable consequence of daily living, looking upon it as a constant companion.

Don’t tell anyone but I have a sneaking suspicion it was actually invented by the manufacturers of vacuum cleaners and the countless household cleaning products, merely to foist their wares upon the unsuspecting and the gullible.

Unlike the countless millions of house-proud individuals out there, I no longer carry on the endless fight against dust. Instead I have called a truce with it, choosing to coexist alongside it. Dust isn’t so bad. At least it doesn’t interfere with my daily life too much. Granted when it combines with fluff and hair into furry balls, usually under an item of furniture, I do pick it up and put it in the bin. I’ve got far more important things to occupy my time than to endlessly fight with it on the domestic front lines.

Am I house proud – don’t be stupid. To me a house is nothing more than a box in which you live, protected from the elements and from unwanted undesirables like travelling salesmen and potential candidates for your next town council election, or far worse, your next government!

I am about to make all house proud individuals spit out their dummy, but I really don’t care when I say that if I’m brutally honest, I prefer to see dust on every surface. To me it proves that this house is lived in by a human being (me) who doesn’t give a damn about mindless social expectations. I’m sorry if this offends, but my home is not a sterile pristine space to show off to the neighbours while cocking my little finger during the act of drinking tea – not that I do, you understand because I prefer coffee very black in a large mug with no sugar.

As far as I know, no one actually lives in a show-home. They are only to be found at open days on new housing developments. This dusty house is where I live for goodness sake – get used to it! I can just hear all the tut-tutting going on as some of you read this. Well tough titty, I don’t care! Neither does the friendly dust which cohabits with me I might add.


What is it with flies? Why do they feel the need to want to drive you to distraction? 
You know the ones I’m talking about, the kind who sneak inside your home undetected. They decide to sit on you, not caring exactly which part of you, just so long as it is out of your immediate reach. Or, they settle on your television screens and wander back and forth crapping, leaving those tiny spots and distracting your enjoyment of the programme. Or, they decide that your cup of coffee or your sandwich looks inviting.
I have one here with me right now. So far the little beggar has landed on the toes of my right foot twice, my stomach once, the sole of my left foot at least six times, and about a half hour ago snuck down the inside of my chair beside me and decided that the right side of my body would benefit from him walking on it.
The trouble with this little invader of my privacy is that he is the latest design in flies – the stealth model. He makes no noise when he spreads his wings. He doesn’t constantly go for your face. No, he hides and waits patiently until you are no longer watching, then he strikes.
Another thing – he’s really smart.
If I go and get the fly spray, he disappears from the room. The sneaky little so and so hides in the dark with the multi lenses of his beady eyes trained on me, ready to make his next sneak attack.
Where is a Gecko when I need one?

Star Wars move over – Food Wars is here!

These days as the population of the western world becomes more conscious of their weight, hundreds of thousands submit themselves to various weight loss regimes.
Daily we are bombarded by adverts exalting the benefits of this additive or that in a totally useless product designed to take the place of food. Usually these bogus products are associated with a totally made up name like Bifitus Bufitus, or some such equally bogus non product, containing little or no nutritional value.
Years ago when a bottle of milk went bad we threw it out, flushing the stinking coagulated mess down the drain. Not today. Now it is marketed as Yogurt in its many forms.
An awful lot of people are overweight. Is it any wonder when you consider that life has changed so much in the last fifty years? These days the average person works in an office sitting down, whereas fifty years ago the vast majority did some form of physical work.
Health nuts and nutritionists constantly chant their mantra “You are what you eat” trying hard to make us feel guilty, then shake their heads at us in that annoyingly superior ‘I know what’s best for you’ attitude of theirs.
Well, I’m sorry humanity. It is time for me to reveal myself and my planned invasion of planet Earth. My name is Normal Norman, the first of many who have been sent here to save you from bogus food substitutes, pointless weight loss programmes, con artists and self-righteous stick thin vegetarian know-alls who preach food abstinence.
I have come to retake and return your world to you, releasing it from the loathsome grip of the vegetation munching Broccoliites who came here covertly thirty or so years ago from their home planet Tofu, or to give it its other name – Tasteless Cardboard! They disguised themselves as humans to pass unnoticed among you, preaching their highly dangerous and totally pointless nonsense.
I am a member of an interplanetary race who loves humanity, called the Breadfishcheesesausagebaconpotatobutterbeercoffeefruitjamteasteakeggwinedoritovegimitebiscuitchocolatepuddingodons from the planet Food.
We, like you, love our food. We hate and abhor manufactured imitations designed to make you humans into positively anaemic, skeletal shadows of yourselves.  
Food Rules OK?

Ah Bully Beef…

 If there was ever a food product to invoke fond memories of youth and brotherhood in ex serviceman, it can only ever be one thing – Bully Beef.
At the time, like me, you grew heartily sick of the sight, smell and taste of it. Back then that was the norm among servicemen. You were expected to grizzle about the food. 
But years later when you’re searching the cupboard for something to make a sandwich for a tasty snack, it’s extremely hard to bypass that can of Bully tucked away at the back of the bulging cupboard.
To give it its correct name – Corned Beef, Bully is an acquired taste. But when you’ve experienced it in your early years, you’re hooked for life. 
No matter where you are in the world and despite the brand name it is sold under, you will find its familiar slightly conical shaped tin on any supermarket shelf.
These days a lot of the manufacturers present this nectar in a tin with pull tags.
But personally I still prefer the old style key type. Just grab that key, insert the exposed tab into its middle, wind until the bottom of the can comes away. Next give the can a vigorous shake up and down and – plop, the contents flop onto the plate of your choice.
Until the day I die there will only ever be one type of processed meat for me – good old jelly covered, fat soaked, artery clogging, heart attack inducing, Bully Beef.
I want the taste of a Bully Beef, lettuce, mushroom and mustard sandwich to be on the taste receptors of my tongue when I depart this mortal coil. Or maybe a Vegemite sandwich – but that is another story.
I tried Spam once. Yuk, foul tasting insipid civilian tucker – bleh!